Imagine if you’re living your life focusing on the positive, doing good things, learning how to heal from the past, and being the best person you can be. It has been a struggle, and finally, when you’re starting to feel good again, when you go out with people who should know, love, and respect you like family, you are, without any warning, without any justification, verbally attacked. You are called a horrible name and then left alone in a bar where you took them for dinner and drinks.
This happened to me last week. I was having a lovely time, feeling grateful to have gotten an accessible table with the best view of the ocean to spend time with my friend. I was eating food, talking about life, sharing stories, and suddenly I asked a question because I didn’t understand how dating apps work for people who are transgender. How does the other person understand what to expect? I was told very aggressively that my question, and therefore, I was “transphobic.” I was shocked, dismayed at the aggressiveness of this “opinion.” I didn’t even understand where it came from, and there wasn’t even an opportunity to voice my thoughts. I was shut out and told, “if somebody trans tells you your transphobic, then you should listen to them.”
Anyone who knows me knows that I am entirely progressive, loving of all people, and have defended the rights of every race, nationality, sexuality staunchly. Most definitely, I’ve spoken out many times in support of those who are trans.
There seems to be an entitlement that those who are minorities sometimes feel, including the minority I am a member of, people with disabilities, that others should perfectly relate and understand our experience, and any misstep is open to be judged and attacked. There is no attempt to hear or understand any different perspective or to truly educate, share and create connection and change.
As a woman and as a disabled person #DisabledSayTheWord , every single day, I get comments from people that are condescending, insensitive, uneducated, and show a complete lack of experience in dealing with people with MY life experience. Still, I don’t automatically accuse them of being “ableist.”
I calmly explain or ignore it if it’s not somebody I have time, care about or know.
Do people ask me if I can have sex and how, have children, or take care of myself? Of course, they do. Do I yell at them and tell them they’re “disability-phobic” because they asked a question out of just a pure simple lack of understanding? No.
When they make comments like “oh, you’re going to get this speeding ticket” or the million other uncomfortable words anyone of us with a disability will understand, I can choose to laugh and go with the flow unless someone is literally ill-intentioned, bigoted, or causing me an unequal treatment, how is my being ugly or “canceling” them out going to benefit them or me?
My 40′ something friend/artist who is Latin, Male, and Gay, told me: “It doesn’t matter if you’re a woman, an Indian, black, disabled, trans, Jewish, Muslim, or any minority, people are always going to say ignorant, insensitive things. Am I going to fight every war, educate everyone, be angry? This is HUMAN NATURE!! We cannot all be thoroughly educated on every human experience, and we ALL will make mistakes. WE want to learn. The fact that we can even accept this at all, ….our generation is ACCEPTING…but we are not going to know everything.”
Now, if you don’t say everything perfectly…you are CANCELLED!! There is so much hostility, not to mention the complete loss of any basic respect for interacting with others in a dignified and kind way—giving the benefit of the doubt. This is a toxic and unhealthy way to live.
Maybe I am Trans Ignorant, or Trans Stupid, I will take that…but I am not phobic.
We all need to be careful not to make an Aly into an enemy. Where Indignation rises to the level of arrogance and obnoxious intolerance, and you become the very people you say you hate.
No one is innocent here.
So, the shocking attack on my character, my intention, and the emotional abuse that transpired took another hit on all my energy and my resources to be healthy emotionally.
There is no excuse, of course, for what they did. Yet, I don’t want to be judgmental or self-righteous, and obviously, this person had some deep-seated pain, anger, and insecurity that ended up in my face and invading my spirit with a few drinks.
Bottom line: when someone is straightforward and you’re not secure in your situation, you get defensive. Your defensiveness reflects how you feel and is not the other person’s responsibility.
Fortunately, I knew what I needed to do:
I knew that I needed not to allow them to hurt me by taking this personally. I need to not let this unfairness to derail my progress, but it’s a struggle.
I know all of you who are suffering from unfairness, physical and mental trauma, and abuse, that the best thing we can do is just recognize that it’s not about us, it’s about them.
It is best for us to not focus on what they do, but try to process and understand, move on, separate ourselves from that person, and just work to raise our spirits again.
That no matter how much we try to keep ourselves safe, we live in a dangerous world of those who wish to unleash their anger and suffering, and while there is so much beauty and so much to be grateful for, we can inadvertently without warning, walk/roll into a land mine.
I can scream out, “fuck you, landmine,” and trust me, I did (while not literally, I did not hold back my exact and precise sentiments in a text!!) I’m not one to sit back and be attacked. They were jerks and wrong, but it doesn’t take away the emotional damage that I had to endure and still endure today.
So, I just wanted to tell my friends that if any of you were going through something that you’re working on processing and moving past, we can remind each other of our mutual humanness and strength.
Somethings that have helped me move on…..
- Writing it down in my Journal.
- Talk to others and get others’ perspectives.
- Listening to and reading new and enriching books/podcasts/posts/recordings.
- Forgiveness and sending love to help them heal.
#FuckYouLandmine! #OutofControl #HyperSensitivity #RespectDifferences #EveryoneIsNotTheEnemy #NoClue #CheckYoSelf #Insecurity #NoMorePityParty
#WomanofWheelPassion #WWP #Forgiveness #Tolerance #Intolerance #ProtectYourEnergy #EmotionalGrowth #TransgenderAwareness #cancelCulture #VibrateHigher #LoveWins #sendingLove #PushLove #PushPassion #WheelchairLife #disability #acceptance