Submitted to PUSHLiving.com by writer who prefers to remain anonymous. Enjoy!
Sex. The one thing every adult has spent hours fretting over. I am no exception. I had a spinal cord injury after I was an adult, so I have had sex both able-bodied and with a spinal cord injury, a lot of it. I’ve grown to completely accept my sexuality, which has led to better sex as someone with a disability over when I was able-bodied. I’m sure that’s shocking for some of you. For example, I only had one partner that gave me an orgasm prior to my spinal cord injury, but multiple partners after. Is that because with age men have gotten better at sex in that they want to please? That I have gotten better at identifying what turns me on? Or that I have a greater confidence with my sexuality which turns on my mind? I think it’s a bit of all of those factors. I know it had nothing to do with inability to have an orgasm, because I would have an orgasm daily via self-stimulation.
My sexuality goes against societal norms in more ways than one, the main one is that I’m a highly sexual woman who is also a wheelchair user. Society has desexualized people with disabilities. Often people just assume I’m Asexual because I’m in a wheelchair, and I can assure you that is far from the truth. The problem with society stripping me of my sexual identity is that they are stripping me of potential partners subsequently. If someone isn’t interested in me purely based on the wheelchair, it’s their loss, I give incredible oral. Just saying. I was very sexual before, it’s not like there’s a button you shut off, and even if there were I wouldn’t dare. I see myself as a sexual being, and so does my husband.
I’m extremely comfortable with my sexuality, however it took me time to get there. After I had my spinal cord injury more people saw me naked than a porn star. Nurses, aids, doctors…my freaking mom. I’ve grown to accept my scars and motionless legs to be foot loose and fancy free in the bedroom. Everyone has insecurities. When you get past those insecurities you can discover what incredible sex is. Sex starts in the brain. Whether it’s that you need to find that confidence, have dirty thoughts, or be mentally stimulated by someone, you will have incredible sex as long as you are in the right mind frame. I break the important categories down with the acronym COCKS, because I want to be able to say cocks and you’ll remember it.
Confidence
Outspoken
Candid
Kinky
Safety
CONFIDENCE
I realized the main factor in amazing sex for me was confidence, that and alcohol. Don’t judge, you know what I’m talking about. Those times where you lose your inhibitions and thanks to liquid courage you blurt out that dirty thing you’ve been wanting to do but too shy to bring up.
It’s extremely important to be confident in your partner, life in general, your sexual abilities, and body image. Confidence in your partner encompasses your trust and comfort level with them. I’m confident that my partner will never make me feel bad for my disability or sexual taste, and that is so sexy. Not only is it sexy, it leads to us exploring and finding new things we both enjoy. I can be myself and the fact my legs don’t work is irrelevant to the quality of our sex life. I want to be confident and comfortable with my partner, and I want them to feel that way about me. I can promise my husband I will never shame or judge him for something that interests them sexually, no matter how extreme. However, that doesn’t mean I say yes to everything, but it’s likely I’m up for trying it. Why not?
Confidence in your overall life will translate in the bedroom. If you’re stressing or unhappy about certain aspects of life it will mentally block you from being aroused, and subsequently lead to a drastic reduction in the frequency of your sexual encounters. Everyone is attracted to someone who is confident, well unless you’re one of those controlling types that likes the weak ones. I’m controlling, but my husband is extremely confident, and it is a huge turn on for me.
Being confident in your sexual ability is an interesting one. I’ve learned I don’t focus on what I can’t do, but instead what I can do. Like I said before, I give great oral, and I know it. Beyond that I’ve got other things I can offer to sexually satisfy my partner. Sure, I’m not twerking to 2 Chainz’s latest hit, but there are a lot of able-bodied girls that can’t do that anyway. I know that I can keep someone sexually satisfied, and that’s good enough for me.
Lastly, yet so important, is being confident in your body image. My body is far from perfect, but really who has a perfect body? Do I wish I had the legs and butt I did when I was able-bodied? Duh. However, the body I have now isn’t so bad, not to mention I’m pretty flexible. Ha! Do I criticize my belly and boob size? Sure, but my husband makes me feel sexy and I feel more confident in my body image because of it. I try taking care of myself by eating healthy (sometimes) and working out. That too contributes to greater confidence.
OUTSPOKEN and CANDID
Be outspoken and candid about what you want and like. Don’t be embarrassed, that occurs thanks to societal norms based purely on someone’s opinion. Who cares!? What happens behind closed doors between two consenting adults (or more than two if that’s your thing) is their business and nobody else’s. Don’t be shy to share your desires, but don’t be hurt if your partner isn’t interested. Give them time, because they may come around to trying whatever it is you’re interested in. I recommend starting out with baby steps, start with the little things and work up to the more extreme requests. Building trust first is key.
This is also the time when you want to evaluate whether or not you’re allowing your partner to be open and honest, or if you’re stifling their sexuality. Think about how you’ve responded when they bring up something new. Are you open and understanding? Or do you shame them? Your reaction is extremely important. The more understanding you are of your partner, the more understanding they’ll be to you.
KINKY
This is a subject a lot of people shy away from. There are different levels of kink, and nothing is wrong with being big into kink or not at all. One thing you always need to remember about sex is that you have your own unique taste, and you should embrace that side, not be ashamed of it. I make no apologies for liking toys, crops, and choking. That’s what turns me on, but so does plain ol’ vanilla sex too. Sometimes you can’t beat the classics.
I’ve spoken to people with spinal cord injuries who express concern over having sex with someone for the first time. They often ask when they should explain things about their injury to the other person. Others fear having to explain their function before or during sex, which isn’t always the sexiest thing. I’ve got a tip that I highly recommend. I often recommend that you write a short erotic story for them before you knock boots. This way you can include strengths and weaknesses, and where you might need help. Sure, it’s manipulative, but it’s great for the other person too. I’m sure they’re nervous too, especially if they’ve never had sex with anyone with a disability.
I was talking to my husband about the article and he made a great point. He said, “Find out the other person’s sexual weakness and exploit the hell out of it.” He’s right on. Find out what drives someone wild and do that until they can’t take it anymore (in a good way). For example, he’s great with his hands and he can have me melting in a matter of minutes, and he knows it. So of course, before sex we usually begin there. It ensures we both are satisfied with the overall sexual experience. Both of us are equally as concerned for the other person’s sexual satisfaction as we are our own. Whether we achieve that with plain ol’ vanilla sex or roll off the bed romping (yup that happened the other night) doesn’t matter, it just matters that we’re both satisfied.
I do recommend coming out of your comfort zone sexually. It spices things up. Ok, so maybe a bullwhip and a gag ball aren’t for you, don’t be completely closed off to toys. I’ve heard from a lot of men that don’t like toys because they say they are good enough. News flash, it’s not about you or your dick’s abilities, because I have yet to find a guy who has a vibrating penis. For some women, vibrating clitoral stimulation is the only way to achieve an orgasm. Not to mention, vibrators can be used for a variety of things. A few examples include testicular stimulation during oral or vaginal sex, clitoral stimulation during sex, anal stimulation, nipple play, or dare I say, double vaginal penetration. Get creative.
That may have been a little much, but we’re all so afraid to talk about sex and that makes no sense to me. It is an essential part of a healthy relationship, and even if you’re not in a relationship it’s a necessity. Often people minimize their sexuality. Why? It’s natural to have sexual desires. Every species partakes in sexual acts, why would I be any different being in a wheelchair? Furthermore, why would I not be interested in going to a sex shop and having a hay day? My point being, I still have wants and needs, why would I suppress them due to being hurt? Society and their norms…well that’s not normal for me.
SAFETY
Understand that with a disability you are more vulnerable to sexual predators. However, living in constant fear isn’t healthy either. In addition, understand you aren’t desperate and you can demand safe sex while frolicking about. Be safe, be careful, and have fun. Pay attention to your body, and what your body doesn’t like. Remember, lube is your friend. Don’t feel pressured to do those things you don’t want to. Stick to no when that’s how you feel, and draw boundaries. Recognize a healthy relationship, and even more importantly recognize an unhealthy relationship. We’ve all been in unhealthy relationships, and if you haven’t it’s probably because you’ve only had one or two relationships. The good thing is you learn what you want and what you don’t want.
It’s not just about safe sex, even though that’s important. One thing you always need in any relationship is to feel safe in general. Feeling safe with your partner will translate in the bedroom. You’ll trust your partner in trying new things, and probably learn of a few new things that are a huge turn on. Additionally, when you feel safe you can mentally focus on the sex, and not whether or not you’re safe with your partner. They should never ignore when you say no, they should never put in you in dangerous situations, and they should never force or manipulate you to do anything you don’t want to. Remember that, and stick with what you feel safe and comfortable with.
Having a healthy, thriving sex life is a goal that everyone should strive to achieve. In the long run, while society tries to strip a person with a disability of their sexuality, it is purely up to you to allow it. So what if I’m not what society sees as sexy? My husband sees me as sexy, and I see myself as a sexual being. I could care less what society thinks, and to me that is sexy. I refuse to lose that special piece of myself, and I make no apologies.
Submitted to PUSHLiving.com by writer who prefers to remain anonymous