Note from The Publisher:
Warning, the following article contains mature content: The article you are about to read contains adult themes, and may contain coarse language that may not be suitable for audiences under the age of 18. Reader discretion is advised.
PUSHLiving prides itself in allowing people with disabilities to have a place to raise their voices. The following is a first person account from Anna Schmid. PUSHLiving did not censor or remove any portions of this article in order to allow Anna to speak about her experiences without prejudice.
Let’s talk about sex when you have a wheelchair disability
LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX BABY, LET’S TALK ABOUT YOU AND ME! Actually, let’s just talk about me and my sex life.
Hello, I’m Anna and I am 30 years old. I was diagnosed with Charcot Marie Tooth at the age of 3. By the age of 10, I had lost my ability to walk and have used a mobile scooter ever since. I am an open book when it comes to my life in general and people tend to have questions. Curiosity is only natural, so I am not one to shy away from answering strangers’ questions when asked. One thing I rarely run into though is people asking me about my sex life. It may just be common courtesy or, it could be that the vast majority of people don’t think of disabled & sex as two words that belong in the same sentence.
Can people with wheelchair disabilities have sex?
It’s common myth that people with disabilities aren’t sexual/ have sex/ or have any desire to have sex. I can only speak for myself, but anyone with a disability is still a person just like everyone else. They’ve been given more obstacles and daily life struggles that the average human, but they are still humans: with wants, needs, and desires! Being the open book that I am I decided to open up about my sex life and it has been quite the adventure.
So, I did a little research to find out what people were most curious about, I have also included here in my story a Q&A section but before we get to those, I figured I would give you a brief overview of my sex life. So here we go… I hope you are ready for this!
Sex Education Lessons
I was a curious, horny teenager just like anyone else. I recall searching “sex” in forums online around the age of 13. I also used to love reading online erotica. I remember getting very turned on but, not really understanding what was happening or what to do with myself. I went to a Catholic School, Kindergarten through High School. All we were taught was about the risks of disease & pregnancy. Not much in the way of sex education. So I took to the internet to educate myself as much as possible. I think my favorite thing to learn about was oral sex. I didn’t get to use my new found skills for a few more years but, I made sure I would know what to do when the time was right.
Fast forward a few years… When I was 16, I had my first boyfriend. He and I dated for a few months before I lost my virginity. It happened at a friends house while we were supposed to be babysitting. My friend was in the shower with her boyfriend while mine piggy-backed me the guest bedroom. It didn’t last very long, and it hurt just a little bit. My first experience left me wondering “Is that it”? I wish I could say it got better overtime, but I don’t feel like it did. We only dated for a few more months and then I was on to the next boyfriend.
Dating with a mobility disability
I could go over the majority of my dating/ sexual history with you but, that would take too long and I’m not trying to write a book HAHA. Honestly, there’s enough one night stands that I wouldn’t even be able to remember. WOAH…Wait…WHAT…? Yes, that’s right, I have had one night stands just like anyone else.
Over my 14 years of dating and sex, I’ve had flings, serious relationships, friends with benefits, f*** buddies (which are different than friends with benefits), one night stands, threesomes, foursomes, and some questionable kinky encounters LOL. If I could give you a number I would but, I stopped keeping count a long time ago. I’m pretty positive it is under 100 but I’d say it’s probably pretty close. Am I ashamed? NOPE! Not one tiny bit. As long as you are practicing safe and responsible sex then I don’t think there’s anything to be ashamed about, regardless of how many people you sleep with. If you want to judge me, GO FOR IT!! We will see how many f***s I give.
Now let’s fast forward to the present… You will see that I am very happy with just one man. I’ve been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for the past 2.5 years. We share a home together with our two dogs. My sex life is much tamer than it used to be and I wouldn’t have it any other way!
Now that I have introduced myself a bit, let’s get into some questions!!
Common Questions about Wheelchair Sex
Can you feel everything sexually?
As far as I know, yes. I mean I wouldn’t really know if I didn’t have full sensation because everyone is sensitive in their own way. My sensation is only decreased at my feet and lower legs and my doctors have said it shouldn’t affect my genital region.
The majority of women are to most likely orgasm from external/clitoral stimulation, but I get more from internal stimulation rather than external, so it makes me think my sensation may may be slightly compromised. Either way, it has never negatively affected my sex life.
Best Wheelchair Sexual positions?
What kind of limitations do you have as far as positions go?
My biggest limitation actually comes from my knees having severe contractures and not being able to straighten my legs. I’ve really only been able to hook my legs over a guys shoulders when a partner I was with was on the shorter side. Other than that, I’m pretty good at finding ways to make things work.
I still have some strength in my upper legs (just not nearly enough to bare weight) so doggie is any easy favorite, I’m also a big an of being on top. It tends to take a little more work on my partners end to get the rhythm just right, but my boyfriend is a wonderful partner and we’ve found what works well for us.
Overcoming sexual obstacles as a disabled woman
What are some issues you have had to overcome in the bedroom that non-disabled people may not have to deal with?
I think early on in my late teens/ early 20’s the biggest issue to overcome was being confident and learning to love my body. That’s something everyone deal with though, so nothing unique there, LOL. Once I did find my confidence I think I realized how much men were drawn to it. Beauty is one thing, but being confident in yourself as a person takes things to a whole new level and it’s something men/women notice.
Something I always struggled with was feeling awkward about my hands. They’re sort of “claw-like” in a way lol. That’s the best way I can describe them anyway. I have very little dexterity but, since they’ve been that way since I was 6 I’ve learned to adapt an can use them quite well. I’m able to type 60 words per minute with the sides of my pinkies haha (it’s quite the site to see!) Giving a hand job with a funny looking little hand was always weird for me. So… I just learned to be really good with my mouth. The boyfriend I am with now is truly the first person I’ve felt completely comfortable with using my hands,
Honestly, other than that I think most of the things I’ve had to overcome are more emotional/ in-your-head kinda stuff that the majority of people deal with.
Wheelchair fetishes and dealing with devotees?
How often have you encountered men that fetishize your disability? How do you feel about being fetishized?
Oddly enough, I haven’t run into any men with a disability fetish that I’m aware of. I’ve had my fair share of one night stands so I suspect I have run into a few men that fetishize me and just didn’t mention it. Although you’d think somebody would… I’ve never really thought about it much so it’s not something that bothers me. I’m not sure I would want to be in a relationship with someone who fetishizes my disability though. I think it might be fine at first but down the road I probably wonder if that was the only reason they were with me/attracted to me. I could see it complicating things in a serious relationship for sure!
As much as I want to keep all of this light and fun, there is one area I need to address and it comes from a question a reddit user sent to me…
How do you deal with sexual predators?
“My partner took advantage of my muscular weakness and raped me. How do you avoid that kind of situation? Do your limitations ever bother you? I find it pretty humiliating when can’t get my partner off because my muscles aren’t having it…”
This post made me very sad when I read it, but it wasn’t unexpected. In the society we live in, ¾ of the women have experienced sexual assault. I’d assume that number would be higher in the disabled population. I responded to her with the following message…
“First of all let me just say how sorry I am that this happened to you! Unfortunately I have been sexually assaulted and raped on a few occasions during college. They weren’t instances of someone so much taking advantage of my vulnerability, they were more drunken situations at college parties where I said no but was too out of it to try and leave so things just ended up happening. Nothing overly violent of forceful, just not situations I wanted to be in. That being said, I don’t want to downplay what happened. It was of course very wrong and had a profound emotional impact on me.”
The first time I was raped I told my girlfriends about it the next morning and they both said to me… “That IT happens to all girls at some point and it is not a big deal”. (HORRIBLE response from girls who are supposed to be my friends).
Several years later I trained as a rape crisis counselor for a nonprofit and learned that a negative reaction from the first person you tell about sexual assault affects how you emotionally heal. In my instance, it took me years to emotionally and mentally process what had happened to me and how to be okay again. I had stuffed all of those feelings under a rug in my brain and acted like nothing happened. That’s pretty much the worst way to deal with trauma but it’s all I knew how to do at the age of 18.
If I were ever in a situation where I thought my disability was used against me, I’d be slamming that guy in court. The penalty for rape of someone with a disability is far more severe than that of a non-disabled person because we are more vulnerable. Taking someone to court for rape is much easier said than done and it often creates more trauma than good because so many rapists go free.
Anyway, I kind of went off on a tangent, unfortunately I really don’t know what to tell you and how to keep yourself safe from future possible assaults. It’s sad that we live in a world where consent isn’t something that’s ingrained in children. Boys should grow up to treat women well and respect them when they say no. I feel the #metoo movement has made some headway in this for the generations of boys that are currently being raised.
Women shouldn’t have to plan out their evenings out in public on how to not be assaulted but, unfortunately we do! We constantly have to take extra precautions to keep ourselves safe and then when something does happen to us, we are to blame… “it must have been what she was wearing” or, “she drank too much”. Such a messed up world we live in!!!
As for your other question, I’ve certainly been embarrassed of my limitations in the past. In previous relationships I never wanted to use my hands on my partner because of the way they look (kind of claw-like). My current boyfriend is the first person I’ve felt genuinely comfortable being myself with. He loves when I use my hands on him. I hope that the partner you’re with is understanding when you are having a hard time and isn’t an ass to you if you get too tired before he finishes. If he isn’t the understanding type, then it might not be the best situation for either of you. But only you can know that for sure!
All I can say is, try to embrace your differences. There’s only one of you and you may not like everything about yourself but you are uniquely you. Everyone is beautiful in their own way. If your muscles are having a rough day and you can’t get your partner off don’t worry about it! It’s not your job to give him an orgasm lol he should be grateful that you choose to be sexual with him.
Self Pleasure while disabled
Does the limited movement of your hands prevent you from masturbating?
I don’t have the best use of my hands and they are not all that useful for self-stimulation. That’s what toys are for! HAHA. I have a trusty vibrator that’s perfect for getting the job done!
Shower sex?
Have you ever had shower sex?
Yes, I have! It’s a ton of work for my partner though and honestly not all that satisfying so, I’ll pass!!
Do you ever get kinky?
Have you ever used bondage to attain a position that wouldn’t normally be possible?
Interesting question! I have used bondage and been tied up before, but never in a way to attain a particular position. However, I have used a sex swing and, that was AWESOME!! I’d highly recommend it!
Where is the most interesting place you’ve had sex?
I’ve had sex in some pretty wild places. Like a playground in the middle of the night, the middle of the woods, a kinky clubhouse at a nude LGBT campground known as “The Birdhouse”, but there’s one experience that sticks out because of how cool yet inconvenient it was. In my early 20’s, I had a rendezvous with a friend of mine. He had me meet him at his old house. At the time it was abandoned and creepy. No power and this was at night so it was pretty dark. He piggy backed me up to the attic where we camped out with a movie on his laptop and some beer. He ran out to get some more drinks and I realized how badly I needed to pee. With it being as dark as it was there was no way I was going to try to crawl down the exceptionally steep staircase alone. Sooo I peed in a corner…. not one of my best moments, but when nature calls HAHA. Anyway there was sex involved at some point that night, but overall it was an adventure for sure!
Sexual Side Effects of my Disability
What is your most embarrassing sexual story?
I’m sure I have plenty of these, but there’s one in particular that was just mortifying. I think I was around 26 or so and I was on a date with this extremely attractive doctor I’d met online. We had a couple of beers and enjoyed a lot of interesting conversation. At the time he was pet/house sitting for his boss. The condo he was watching happened to be within walking distance of the restaurant we were at so we went to go grab the dog for a walk. We had a nice walk and we decided to watch a movie at his bosses place. Now, I have to mention this fun little tidbit that I’ve found comes along with my disease. When I drink (particularly beer) the intensity and need to urinate increases in frequency. This tends to happen with everyone with alcohol, but i noticed it had gotten much worse from my drinking days back in college. I’ve since seen a urologist and it has gotten much better. I also no longer drink beer as often as I used to. Anyways, this issue has taught me to bring an extra pair of leggings when I go out drinking, just to err on the side of caution.
Ok, so getting back to my story, so we sit down on his bosses couch and he starts up some random movie. We’re chatting and snacking on some popcorn and sipping on some beer. We started kissing a little bit and rubbing against each other At the time I knew I needed to pee but, I had JUST gone 5 minutes before (the frequency is the MOST annoying!!!). So he’s just sort of rubbing me through my pants and I just couldn’t hold it any longer… UGH!! I only peed a little bit but, he stopped and looked at me in UTTER SHOCK. “Whoa, you just got super wet!!! What happened?” I was absolutely mortified and blurted out of nowhere “Oh you just made me squirt a little” FACEPALM!!! I’m sitting here with a real life McDreamy and honestly, I don’t even think I was very turned on because I was too focused on my need to pee. In my utter embarrassment, I told him he made me orgasm through my pants with little to no effort! HAHAHA.
He seemed to sort of believe me, lol and probably because he wanted to believe he was really THAT good. He was more concerned with getting the wet spot off of his bosses couch. Ugh, so mortifying! I hightailed it to the bathroom and then made up an excuse about needing to call it an early night. Needless to say, that was the end of that.
More Questions about Sex with a disabled woman?
Ok. That is all for now. If you have any others questions, or comments, please send to me at contactus@pushliving.com Attention: Anna will answer them in her next piece.